It's a small crime ...

I very rarely involve myself in this kind of discussion anymore these days, but I am going to break my self-made rule for now ... because, for whatever reason, I think it is important for these things to be put out into the open. As a general race of people, we are declining, we are dishonest, we are losing our faith, we are letting the good sides of ourselves win over the bad ...

I can't (and won't) get into details about the specific, isolated cause of this rant. It isn't about the overall decline I mentioned, but about a small facet of the decline. The details are not my business to air. All I will say to preface is that I found out last night that a male friend of mine is living a double life with two other girls who are also friends of mine (varying levels and lengths of friendship) ... both of which are unaware of the other. Both of which are amazing people!

My problem with all of this should be obvious, and is that ... I freaking cannot stand guys who do this kind of thing to women!! GREAT, AMAZING, WONDERFUL women!!! Friend or not, I can't stomach it. I try not to internalize it, as it is not me in the situation (for once!), but it is so difficult for me to see this kind of behavior and not be affected by it. Ignoring it only makes it worse. We should all be more compassionate, as a general rule. Even though it is not me in this particular situation, it has been me in too many situations terribly similar in the past.

I couldn't sleep last night, I am so bothered. This kind of behavior ruins lives ... it damages people ... it breaks down parts of honest and caring and open people that take so long to repair. It destroys trust, and not only in that particular relationship, but for all relationships following. This kind of behavior makes me ill. No metaphor there. And the fact that it is one of my guy "friends" who is the root cause just tears me apart.

I have known too many men ... and, yes, I am definitely calling out men in this situation ... who cheat with no consequences and no real guilt. I'll just say it ... it's generally easier for men to cheat and to lie about it and have no real remorse for their actions than it is for women. There are exceptions to every rule, but seriously. Have I known women who have cheated? Sure. But I can with all honesty say that those women were either being cheated on (for years!), abused (physically and/or emotionally), or completely neglected (in every possible way) by the men they eventually reciprocated in action. I am, of course, not excusing it ... I'm just saying ... it seems to me that men will do it just to do it, while women will do it mainly when first-betrayed.

However, if you ask me about how many men I know who have cheated, first-offense, second-offense, every-single-time, in a supposedly "great" relationship, for no reason, because it was available, just to try it? Well, I can name the staggering majority of every, single man I have ever known. How horrible is that?! I can name almost all of my ex-boyfriends, save a few, who were truly kind to me in every way ... I can name family friends, acquaintances, and co-workers ... I can name many of my friends' ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends, and ex-husbands ... I can name ... and I can name ... and I can name. I won't, of course ... but I can!

How sad is that?! What is wrong with these people?!?! Seriously. And I won't hear anything about how, "Oh, the women encourage it by putting up with it, and should just leave." Because, really ... what for? To move on to the next cheater?! Sure, there are men who don't cheat. Alex doesn't cheat on me, and I can whole-heartedly assure that the men in my family are actually great guys (... maybe because of being raised around so many women who complained about philandering men all their lives).

And I certainly don't want to hear that it is the women's fault! Don't even go there with me. That is said by people who are incapable of admitting blame in any situation ... and always, always said by the truly guilty. You want a sure-fire way to know if someone has no morals, or is guilty a sin themselves ... you'll know when that gem comes flying out of their mouths. Don't blame anyone else, that's just bad business.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know there are good men out there! I know some, and truly believe that I am currently living with one of them. Because of these men, I know there are great ones out there! It's possible that some of them are actually the ones cloaking themselves as assholes with kind of behavior. But why?! What does it accomplish? Does it make them feel better? Does it validate some stupid insecurity they have? Are other people's feelings merely a game to them? I, for one, just flat-out don't get it. Seriously, I don't. I have had far too much experience in these cases to still be so clueless, and yet I am.

I applaud the good men who are left out there in the world, who are respectful and decent and kind to women ... who love wholly ... who may eyeball the menu from time to time, but always come home to eat. (Yeah, I said it.) I appreciate those men more than I can say, really, as do all of the good women out there. I fear those kind of men are dwindling at an enormously high rate, however. My problem is ... how do you weed them out in this huge mess of jerks? So many are so good at hiding it, lying about it. It's deflating, and I simply can't stand to see it.

I just had to get that out there. I understand finding other people attractive, I understand thinking other people are neat, I understand looking ... but I absolutely do not understand sampling, double-dipping, or diving in. Where is the loyalty?! It has been a peeve of mine for years and years and years ... a peeve that I have earned in spades. Most of the time, I try to ignore it, but when it is blatantly in my face, ignoring would be ignorant and impossible. I keep to my own, listen when I am needed, and I don't "rat people out" ... but maybe I should. Maybe we all should!

I know that if people around me had been more honest with me in my past, I might not have the stack of dusty trust issues I most assuredly, involuntarily, subconsciously carry over with me into even healthy situations now. And, for the love of Pete and everybody, if you do something like this ... come clean and apologize!!!! It's the least a cheater can do. At least give the other person closure. My girl friend will never have that ... she will have to create her own, just as I had to do in my past. Trust me, it's horrible.

Thankfully, I am lucky enough to have a man in my life now who will talk to me when I worry (completely irrationally, I might add), and tell me any time I need that he loves me, and wants to be with only me ... that he thinks I am the greatest girl he's ever known, and that my worries are unnecessary. I am thankful every, single day for him, and can only hope and pray that my friends will eventually be as lucky.

Because, in truth, I consider it a miracle that I have made it anywhere near here with the wake of baggage men like this "friend" of mine are leaving behind. Seeing one of my intelligent, hilarious, witty, beautiful, strong, fantastic friends last night, sitting in front of me, heart breaking, totally and utterly defeated ... a strong, sweet, kind, smart, mature, delightful woman ... defeated by a philandering ass-bastard ... was far too familiar ... and nearly more than I could take.

And, the grass, it was a-tickin'

Forgive me, but before we begin, I have to say that I heard one of New Kids on the Block's "new" songs at the grocery store last night, and I seriously think one of the lines was ... "Gotta know if you're mad at me before Grey's Anatomy ..." Are you serious?! It's tragic, and what is even worse ... I can't get the flipping song out of my head!!!!


Moving on ... or, at least, trying to move on ...


I made it to Lubbock, and then back to Austin safely. This is always good news.

I prefer road trips with a companion, but I will say that there is something very theraputic about driving long-ish distances alone. (For me, anyway). I get a chance to listen to exactly what kind of music I want to listen to, and there are miles and miles of quiet road to just think and think and think ...

The irony that I have my best ideas (for quite literally everything) while using a pen and paper are near-impossible is not lost on me. Because that's how it always has been, and probably always will be. I have these great thoughts, epiphanies, write-this-down-immediately ideas when I am either road-tripping alone, exercising, or in the shower. No lie. It's a curse, I'll tell you this much!

I have tried using one of those hand-held voice recorders in the car, but end up feeling like a complete freak before one sentence can even be captured ... fumble my words ... lose my train of thought ... and throw the thing in the backseat. I wish I could consistently speak how I think and write, but it just isn't so. ("Say it ain't so-whoa-whoa-whoa ..." (Weezer) just burst into my head. Weird.)

So, on the travel up to Austin, I pretty much peeled my balls (eyeballs ... perverts!) for ice on the road, of which there was a little in and around Abilene (nasty, nasty wreck, too, that I just missed). I also decided that I would take some CD's I hadn't listened to in ages and ages. One of which was Dulcinea by Toad the Wet Sprocket. I hadn't listened to that album in close to 4 years. It's so, dang good! I had forgotten. I listened to it all the way through 3 times.

I also listened to The Beatles' White Album and Elton John's Greatest Hits, and positively sang my face off ... at the top of my lungs ... horribly. The other 2 I managed to fit in on the way were Gold by Ryan Adams, which is truly an amazing CD from start to finish ... total emotional rollercoaster ride as well, I might add ... and Bon Jovi, Slippery When Wet ... a guilty pleasure face-rocker kick-back from the 80's. I'm sure those in the cars anywhere near me thought I was having some sort of episode, but the wide array was worth it.

On the way back to 'The Hill Country', I talked on the phone quite a bit to my sister (scold me later), and managed to completely tuned out the stereo, lost in thought for the rest of the drive. What thoughts, I could not tell you even if I were held at gunpoint. That's what I mean by the best ideas being wasted on acts that take full-body concentration, while allowing the mind to wander indefinitely.

While I was in Lubbock, I spent the great majority of my time at Aunt Kay's house. On Friday and Saturday, after everyone was asleep, I met up with my sister (both nights) and Melissa, Heidi, and some other folks I hadn't seen in a while (Saturday). It's funny because both Colee (my sissy) and Heidi are now dating guys named Chris, and this past weekend was my first night to meet both. Approval is important from family and friends when it comes to significant others, and I get why ... it's immensely stressful to date someone your friends and family are "just not that into." Luckily, I like both of the boys named Chris. Proceed! (Ha.)

(Sidenote: If my sister reads this, she is going to flip out because I said she is "dating" this guy. He's actually her boyfriend, but that word makes her wiggle, so she won't speak it. She cracks me up! Words it as she "caught feelings." How cute is that?! Ah, young love ... flowers and rainbows and balloons and party hats and cake ...)

I was also able to meet Courtni for lunch on Friday while Charlotte was getting Kay discharged from the hospital. We had Abuelo's, which is soooo yummy in Lubbock ... and soooo not near as yummy here in Austin. We took about 2 hours to just talk and catch up, reminisce about our late teens and very early twenties (crazy times, we've determined). I just love that girl! I still can't believe we have been friends for 25 years!!!! That's a LONG TIME! In fact, it is such a long time that I can't remember not knowing her. It's good (essential) to have those kinds of friends, the ones who will stick by you, no matter what ... forever and ever and ever.

OH! And I think I can spill this now ... I am going to be a pseudo-aunt once again ... because ... Courtni is pregnant with her second baby!!!! She's definitely having a little girl this time, and I am thrilled! I adore her first, Kealan (little boy, 3-years-old now, so smart, totally disgusted that his little sister won't be born with teeth, hilarious), but she claims this current one is her last, so I'm just happy she will have one of each. I believe she is due in mid-June ... or maybe mid-July? I keep getting it mixed up ... darn "J" months squished together! Either way, she is due this summer and it will be a little, pink, precious baby girl.

As for Aunt Kay, I mentioned in my last update that she was doing really well. She still is and has been cleared to do everything except exercise (that starts in about 6 weeks). She was 95% clogged where they operated (through her femoral artery in her leg, all the way up to her heart, yikes!), so surgery was definitely necessary. They say it will improve her quality of life tremendously. We are all happy to hear that! She says she's already having excess spurts of energy. She does need to stay inactive until they clear her for rehabilitation, however. We shall see how that goes! (I have mentioned the stubborn streak, haven't I?) ;) We are all just tickled pea green that she is doing well. Whew!

Sunday was the Super Bowl. I think everyone who knows me probably knows that professional football isn't my fav-rave, but I do enjoy the excitement of the final game. (I think it's to do with the food.) I mean, I'll watch football anytime without complaint if it is on, but ... I prefer college ... and, really, only the college I actually attended. However, Norbert quite loves pro football and had all of us out to his house for a Super Bowl Party of sorts. There wasn't much wild ruckus happening, as we had one baby, one patient, and a lot of tired party-goers, but we did gather and eat and enjoy. I, personally, was asleep by 10 o'clock. Oh, but I will have to post the picture of all of us in our 3-D glasses as soon as Melanie sends me the pictures from the weekend. It's ridiculous.

Let's see ... what else, what else? Oh yes ... for those of you (probably all) totally confused by the titles of my posts starting with this one, I am using lines from songs until further notice. Coming up with an all-encompassing few words of my own to alert whoever reading of all that will be discussed therein is too difficult for me! Song lines are much easier ... and sound way cooler, too. So, yeah, I'm a stealer. (Not to be confused with a Steeler ... I was rooting for the Cardinals. I always like a good underdog story.)

I guess the only other noteworthy news at the moment is that Puxatony Phil saw his shadow on Monday, claiming 6 more weeks of Winter. Sure would be nice if he sent that same message to the weather down here! 70's and 80's in February is not awesome, I don't care what all of the heat-seeking, melanoma-having, wrinkle-ridden crazy folk say!

Katie Bob

Just a quick update on Aunt Kay ...

The surgery went the way of the stent (WHEW!), she is out of the hospital (DOUBLE WHEW!), at home with all of us (TRIPLE WHEW!), and seems to be doing great (BIG OL' HALLELUJAH!)!!!!

She didn't feel too awesome right after the procedure, but I think that can be expected. She's doing much better now, just taking it easy ... not that she hasn't tried to get up and around and do tons of things already. (The Keller Girls tend to have a bit of a stubborn streak ... but you didn't hear that from me ...)

We have managed to somehow pin her down and make her relax for the time being. So far, the only big change seems to be that she does have a rather large box full of new medications to keep the monsters away ... but that is just how the story goes, I suppose.

Gaining access to the Internet has been muy difficult since arriving in Lubbock, which is why the update didn't come until now. I will be going back to Austin on Monday, and will write a much longer recap of the events.

In closing ... the Super Bowl is on Sunday, and I seriously could not care less about it. I am, however, excited about the food. There will be a party. Oh yes ... there *will* be a party ...

Happy Saturday, m'loves! You will all be hearing from me again on Tuesday.

Stuff about stuff.

A promise is a promise is a promise ...

On the docket for discussion: work, school, family, love, life, projects, miscellaneous ...


First up - WORK!

I was offered a permanent certified sub job right before Christmas at a local high school. It was good news I needed right before the holiday to really kick back and enjoy myself without feeling like I should be sending a thousand more resumes, instead. The job is basically still substituting, but going to the same school every day. This is beneficial because you get an immediate pay increase, and you also go to the same school over and over, allowing you to get to know the students and staff much better than the sporadic, one day here, another there scenario of regular substituting. Unfortunately, even thought I am technically fully employed by the high school, I have not seen consistent results with working. The downfall is that there just isn't a need for a sub every, single day. In short, I still feel like I am sitting on my hands, doing nothing, wasting time, a lot of the time.

So, I have started "the resume game" again, sending out tons and tons of resumes, hoping for a significant bite. Among those are applications and resumes to schools who needs Special Ed Teacher Assistants. I have decided that being a full-time teacher for only the next 4 months would be pretty pointless, since will (hopefully) be starting my Masters in the fall (more on that in a sec). I never thought that working with special ed would be something I could, personally, do. I think it takes a very unique, awesome kind of person to work with special needs kids. I never thought I was one of them, but the more I think about it, the more I think I would feel completely and totally rewarded at the end of the day. So, as with most things these days, we shall see.

Patience, I have finally had to learned. ;)


Second on the list - SCHOOL!

My applications have been sent, and I am awaiting letters. I applied to only three programs, and I have no clue what the results will be. I did really well on the GRE, so I'm hoping my scores will win the boards over. My verbal was great, my math was average, but my writing was apparently perfect (literally ... highest score possible). As for decisions on where to go on the chance that I get accepted to all three ... who the heck knows?! I applied for Teaching Assistantships at each of the three colleges as well, so I suppose it would come down to where I could teach at the college level, get cheap(er) tuition, and ... you know ... be happy.

I hear that letters should start coming in at the end of February, and possibly be here as late as April or May. Lots of balls up in the air right now. No sense even trying to juggle them all until they start falling.


Third - FAMILY!

I've updated quite frequently on the fam. I haven't said much about my mom, sister, dad, and Norbs, though. I'll do that now.

My mom is still rockin' it at her alterations shop. She has more work than she knows what to do with, but I kinda think she likes it that way. I am constantly proud of how successful she has become, completely on her own. She's an amazing seamstress, and she has always worked hard ... she deserves all the benefits she can reap. I suggest all of you go into see her whenever you need. She *loves* it when I send people in. Ha!

My sister is back in school!!!! Hallelujah, and pass the banana pudding! She's "optimistic" about the prospects, and I couldn't be more excited for her. I miss her and love her immeasurably. The older she gets, the more I realize that we are each other's rocks. I need her, and she needs me. It's just that simple.

My dad is still living here in Austin. I see him about every 2 weeks. We keep trying to plan on a weekly Sunday lunch or dinner (much like I had back home), but for some reason, we can't seem to get our schedules together enough to make that happen consistently. It is nice to have him in the same city, though. We all need a familial touchstone from time to time.

Norbs ... ah, Norbs ... he is still just that! He cracks me up every, single minute that I am around him. Once you get used to his "way," he's charming as all heck. It took many years for him and I to really get along, but we have been in a father/daughter pattern for many, many years now. I appreciate it tremendously, as a girl can never have too many people looking out for her.


Fourth and counting - LOVE!

Alex and I are still living together, going strong for ... well, I don't keep count ... a year and a half now. "Life" has been stressful for both of us lately, and I fear some of that just naturally leaks into any relationship. I do try to keep my respective stresses separate from each other, though. Meaning, I try not to bring them "home." He does the same. I am not quite sure I would have made it through this past year without him ... this, I know. I also know that it is impossible to perfect any love. Perfection is boring. There are always going to be little quirks, which I think might make the particular pairing more unique and irreplaceable.

I will confess that I am somewhat worrisome right now about what happens when each of our letters start rolling in for school (him, Law ... me, Masters). To some extent, the particulars of what happens in the future are out of our hands. I like to know everything about what is going on at all times, so this is difficult for me. In the meantime, all we can do is support each other as much as possible and hope for the best.


Five is fine with me - LIFE!

It's tricky, that's for sure.

This past year has been enlightening in ways I am not sure I can quite comprehend just yet. I get the feeling I have taken a lot from my experiences, I am just not able to file them away in a coherent manner right this moment. Eventually, as with most things, time will reveal clarity.

What I can ascertain is that I've grown up a lot and learned more than I ever thought possible about ... so much ... but one thing I have not mastered handling with grace is taking it day to day. I still want certainties, and that is not usually reality. I keep thinking about this conversation years and years ago that lasted until the sun came up. In those hours, when time seemed to stand still for me in that car, I actually believed there were definites. I have realized since then that nothing is definite. You can do what you do for you, but it's not just you flying the plane. Even when the skies are beautiful and there is not a cloud in sight, it's not always a guarantee that the person sitting next to you will want to go in the same direction you go. I mean this in a more broad sense than it seems, really. I am speaking of most things in life. Nothing is just up to you. Nothing. It's such a horrifying and comforting feeling all at once.

I continue to work at letting go, of letting what will be, be. Something tells me this is a lifetime mission, and I accept it with hope and faith that there really are such things as rewards, and balance, and even the completely abstract, like true love.


Six will be quick - PROJECTS!

I've recovered our kitchen table chairs and made new throw pillows lately. I want to do more. I'm going to have to let my mom show me how to knit again. I can't remember any of it, whatsoever.

I also have made it my personal mission to read an insane amount of noteworthy books BEFORE I start my Masters ... hoping that it will relieve some of the stress once I get there, and somehow prepare me for the discussions and papers and thesis deliberations. We shall see.

I'm writing, but I seem to jinx myself out of finishing every time I talk about it. So, that's all I'll say for now ... I'm writing.

I'm looking into taking some classes online about photography, PowerPoint, Photoshop, and things of that nature in the next few months. ACC offers a lot of continuing education stuff, so I really need to look more closely into that.


Seven to close with - MISCELLANEOUS!

I'm worn out from the previous six, and can't, for the life of me think of one extra thing to include.

Oh, here's one, we went and saw Defiance last night at Alamo. It was a really good movie, but so sad to me. It was set in WWII, about a group of Jewish people who were literally running for their lives. Tore me up. I still can't believe all of that ever happened. So, incredibly sad.

We also saw Gran Torino last week, and loved it! It was nothing like I thought it would be, but that actually turned out to be a good thing.

I have no exciting music discoveries to speak of ... which is weird in and of itself. I am listening to the playlist I put together, though. I'll close with the song on now, because it seems fitting in an odd way.

"Years make everything alright, you fall on me for anything you like ... and I, no, I don't mind ..." - Keane


Fin.

Ice Day, No-Drive Day!

Soooooo ... I am now heading to Lubbock tomorrow instead of today. Who would have ever thought that the days Winter finally decides to make itself known is the days surrounding travel? (About par for the course, really ...)

I'm sure I could leave today ... the question is, how safe would it be? After many extended conversations this morning with the fam, we're all convening manana. We'll still be there for the post-surgery and recovery. (I was going to let the actual doctors do the majority of the in-depth work, anyway. Ha!)

I love to ramble these days (most days, let's face it). My point was ... I'm going to write that long-ish update on what-have-you's later today. First, I am going to make myself some breakfast and have a very large cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee (because it's the best), then I will be back on here ... fingers flying.

I'm a little discouraged about not being able to head out today when the only place I want to be is with Aunt Kay and the rest of my crew ... but, you know, safety first! A good rule of thumb: when the schools in and around the route are delayed and closed, don't drive!!

I'll be back in a bit. In the meantime, if you miss me (I crack myself up), feel free to listen to the swanky playlist I added at the bottom of this page yesterday. I am! It's Mr. LaMontagne singing "I think you're crazy ... just like me ..."

It's probably true. ;)

Aunt Kay's surgery, mainly.

This trip to Dallas was good times. I always enjoy a little down time with the fam. I'm blessed enough to have an amazing group of people surrounding me, supporting me, and constantly in my corner (no matter what). This counts for more than most people realize.

The weekend consisted of hanging out and hanging in. Sunday was the baptism, and Corinne is growing like a little weed! I cannot believe how much that child has blossomed in only one month! It's wild to me. She's still adorable as can be, though ... sweet as ever.

Tomorrow, if weather permits and ice melts on the route I plan to take, I will head to Lubbock for the end of the week and weekend. Aunt Kay is having surgery on Thursday. Exactly which kind, we aren't quite sure yet. She is going in for an angiogram, then the doctors will go from there once they can physically see the extent of her blockage.

We are all crossing our fingers for angioplasty or stents, and definitely not bypass. Stents would require a 24-hour stay, and ... well ... we just won't even go into the other. The symptoms apparently started sometime at the beginning of last summer and have become persistent enough to seek specialization, so something does need to be done.

Aunt Charlotte, Melanie, and myself are all driving in tomorrow to await the outcome and offer our support. With something like this, there is no other place any of us would even consider being. She is Aunt Kay, after all! I can't even imagine.

Even though all of us are expecting only great things to come of this, surgery of this kind of always a little scary. I don't normally ask these kinds of things, but whatever each of you do ... positive thoughts, prayer, cartwheels, fireworks ... please send one Aunt Kay's way on Thursday. She's such a selfless, wonderful person, always doing something for everyone else ... she deserves all the goodness she can get right now!

I'll keep everyone updated, of course. Until then, enjoy the gloriously cold weather! :)

#1 Travel Peeve

In lieu of my travel experiences back and forth to Arlington (not Virginia) on I-35 this weekend, I feel the need to share a reflection.

All it takes is one jackass abusing the purpose of the left-hand lane to back up traffic for miles and miles.

When you really sit down and think about it (as I did for hours and hours in bumper to bumper traffic this afternoon), this basic principle can be applied to many facets of life.

Don't be that jackass!!!!!